Thursday, October 28, 2021

Confidence, humour and BDE: ‘Having the self-assurance to embrace baldness is hot’

pictures of jason statham, Alexandre Lacazette, stanley tucci, and the rock (all in their bald eras) on a colourful background
A recent study found evidence to suggest white bald men are perceived as less attractive and less successful, so we decided we needed to hear from people who disagree (Picture: Getty/Rex)

A recent study found evidence to suggest white bald men are perceived by women as less attractive and less successful.

That seems like a bit of a raw deal, especially given that, according to research by supplements brand Vitl, 48% of British men over 50 suffer from male pattern baldness, and the balding tends to start at 35 on average.

So, we wanted to hear from people who disagree and find baldness, regardless of race, attractive.

Beatrix, a 27-year-old copywriter, tells Metro.co.uk she likes people who don’t have a lot of hair because it helps make their eyes ‘pop’, adding: ‘Brows and beards really come into their own – they can be sculpted into dazzling masculine facial assets.’

Journalist Jess tells us that, while she’s never ‘actively had a preference’ for bald men over their hairier counterparts, she’s really pleased that her partner has braved the shave.

‘My boyfriend’s hairline is slowly heading backwards,’ the 27-year-old says, ‘so I convinced him to shave it during lockdown.

‘His hair – or lack of – looks amazing with his mod-style clothes, and he isn’t constantly fixing his fringe to hide any gaps – a win-win for both of us.’

Jess, 27, adds that baldness ‘can be styled so cool depending on the clothes you wear, and is always way better than an awkward comb-over or straggly ponytail.’

a still from trainspotting showing ewan mcgregor's character sprinting down the street
Beatrix’s fondness for bald men started with Trainspotting (Picture: Liam Longman/Figment/Noel Gay/Kobal/REX/Shutterstock)

Looking back, Beatrix says her fondness for bald men began when she first saw the 1996 film Trainspotting, starring a buzz cut-sporting Ewan McGregor.

Mwika, an SEO executive whose top bald celebrity crushes are Stanley Tucci, George the Poet, Morris Chestnut and Common, tells us ‘a good head shape is a must’ for her.

She says she tends to be attracted to men who are bald that have ‘nice features – or a beard, which is a nice touch.’

AJ, 27, says that, while he also ‘enjoys a bald guy that has strong facial hair’, really it comes down to the vibe for him – whether his dates have hair or not.

‘For me, it’s about laughter, a good personality and effort,’ the charity worker tells us. ‘If they give me those things, I don’t care if they have hair on their head.’

‘I think life is too short to care about little things like hair’, he continues.

‘Someone could have the most perfect quaffed movie star up-do, but have the personality of a bowl of own brand Crunchy Nut – and trust me, I’ve been on dates with those kinds of people.’

Rapper, Common smiles during the 69th NBA All-Star Game as part of 2020 NBA All-Star Weekend in 2020
Actor and rapper Common is among Mwika’s top celeb crushes (Picture: Juan Ocampo/NBAE via Getty Images)

Journalist Jess says confidence tends to be one of the more attractive qualities bald people, in general, seem to have, comparing it to ‘big d**k energy’.

‘Bald guys have already dealt with people being sh***y about their hair loss, and have a sense of confidence about them,’ she says, adding: ‘In the past, I’ve found bald guys – at least the ones I’ve been with – can take a joke but give as good as they get, and that calm self-assuredness is sexy.’

Indeed, the self-assurance of bald men appears to be a common theme here.

‘I think it takes a lot of confidence to go bald because your face is so exposed,’ 22-year-old Mwika tells us.

‘On a purely physical level,’ Beatrix says, ‘[baldness] can be a big statement look, but it also amplifies some super sexy character qualities – for men and for women.

‘I think the main one is confidence. Having the self-assurance to shave a receding hairline and to embrace baldness is hot – it speaks of knowing your worth beyond your hair, of resilience.

‘Why would that not also signal success?’

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk

MORE : White bald men are judged ‘less successful and attractive’ by women

MORE : Eight of the best DIY hair masks for curly, frizzy, and greasy hair

MORE : Man creates ‘testicle’ pumpkins with fake pubic hair just in time for Halloween

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The Sex Column: ‘How do I conquer my relationship anxiety?’

Cartoon woman with head full of whirring cogs and man's face in profile
I’m finding myself constantly checking my phone and overthinking‘ (Picture: Neil Webb)

‘I’ve struggled with anxiety since I was a teenager. I’m 32 now and still get anxious when I meet new people or when I’m in some group situations.

I also get really anxious in relationships and I’m in a fairly new one after being single for a long time.

I’m finding myself constantly checking my phone and overthinking. I love so much about him but I think I was happier when I was single.

I do my best to manage my anxiety with mindfulness and exercise and I’ve had CBT before. I just want to be happy and relaxed in a relationship.

What do you suggest?

Anxiety rarely propels us anywhere healthy or helpful.

‘You want to be happy and relaxed in a relationship but your anxiety is whispering “leave”,’ says James McConnachie. ‘That solution can’t possibly work because if you’re not in a relationship then you have zero chance of being happy and relaxed in one.’

Nothing triggers our insecurities like a romantic partner and this new union is magnifying what you are already living with – a persistent fear of rejection and an underestimation of your ability to cope with that threat.

‘Anxiety will be motivating you to look for guarantees but there are few when it comes to relationships,’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin. ‘So the first step is to acknowledge that anxiety is going to be an inevitable travel partner on your journey into this new one.’

This means that you will need to start seeking safety within and start reassuring yourself, rather than seeking reassurance from him.

‘It sounds like you’re in a habit of not trusting people, not feeling safe in relationships and not believing that you deserve love and support,’ says Rupert Smith.
You’ve mentioned that this anxiety began in your teens, a time when familial issues often start rising up to the surface. 

‘When people are avoidant, distrustful and dismissive of their own needs, it can be an indication that their earliest relationships in childhood were unreliable and unhappy,’ Smith continues. ‘Working with a counsellor will help you explore the connections between how you’re feeling now and your early experiences.’

When you’re with your boyfriend, it will be difficult to engage genuinely and completely if you’re constantly pulled away by anxious chatter. ‘So do your best to stay grounded by focusing on what he’s saying and by asking questions,’ says Rudkin. ‘When you’re not with him, focus on what you bring to a relationship rather than what you can’t, and monitor your thoughts to ensure they don’t become biased towards what he doesn’t do.’

Things will gradually shift as you progress through the first stages of getting to know and trust each other. ‘You will learn how to be happy and relaxed but at this point, it’s like asking you to feel relaxed while climbing Mount Everest,’ says Rudkin.

This anxiety is only one part of you and as you continue to seek within, you will meet so much more of yourself and so will he. 

The experts

Rupert Smith is an author and counsellor

James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)

Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist

Got a sex and dating dilemma?

To get expert advice, send your problem to lisa.scott@metro.co.uk

MORE : The Sex Column: ‘My partner’s proposal was disappointing – should I call off the wedding?’

MORE : The Sex Column: ‘My husband had an affair – so did my new guy. How can I trust him?’

MORE : The Sex Column: ‘Should I go on a trip with my married colleague?’

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Wednesday, October 27, 2021

Racism, colourism and fetishism: The realities of dating as a Black Muslim

Black Muslim love doc
Black Muslims report negative experiences and racism in dating (Picture: Elisabeth Richardson/muzmatch)

Black Muslims in the UK have reported negative and discriminatory experiences of dating and romance in an illuminating new study.

A survey, conducted by Muslim dating app muzmatch, found that there was a significant level of ‘fetishisation in the Muslim community’ towards Black Muslims, and other issues including discrimination and colourism.

Of the 417 members who responded to the survey, 12% were Black Muslims, and they were candid in sharing their experiences of finding love and dating, as well as highlighting the difficulties of navigating ‘cultural issues’.

Asked about negative dating experiences, one respondent said: ‘It is difficult because often I get guys who aren’t Black “liking” me, and I will decline because nine times out of 10 their family won’t accept – and neither will mine.

‘But there are also guys who are Black who won’t put much effort into conversation with me because I’m dark skinned.’

Another highlighted their experience with being racially fetishised. She said she has seen people ‘asking for a particular race on their profile.

‘Another experience was of a guy saying to me he wouldn’t ever want to be with a very dark girl, that didn’t sit right with me. I’m mixed race from all different backgrounds, I don’t have a label so comments like that feels so alien to me.’

Black couple
‘We need more positive representation of Black Muslim couples’ (Picture: Alex Newell/muzmatch)

Colourism – a form of racism that privileges those with lighter skin tone and more typically Eurocentric features – was a recurrent theme for the respondents.

‘Many people do not like to marry someone with dark skin and African descent,’ wrote one app user.

Another simply said: ‘My colour is considered ugly.’

Many Black Muslims also spoke of the unsettling experience of being racially fetishised – which is a harmful form of stereotyping.

One user detailed comments she had received that included: ‘I’ve always wanted to be with a Black girl’, and, ‘you look exotic, where are you from?’

Others spoke about running into problems with extended family members who disapproved of interracial unions.

‘It was annoying,’ wrote one app user. ‘It’s the racist parents that make it difficult. It doesn’t matter if you’re on your deen [religiously devout] and have a successful career, all they see is a Black guy.’

In order to try to change attitudes and improve the picture of dating and romance for Black Muslims, muzmatch is celebrating Black Muslim love as part of their campaign for Black History Month.

For the campaign, muzmatch partnered with Black Muslim Girl for a series celebrating Black Muslim love with real couples that met on the app sharing their stories.

The original video highlights the beauty of Black Muslim relationships, and aims to challenge archaic and discriminatory views.

‘Our main reason for agreeing to taking part in the documentary was because we needed to change the narratives of what Black Muslim love is and should be,’ says Teslimat.

‘We need more positive representation of Black Muslim couples, and we are really glad that the documentary was able to help us achieve this goal and we are looking forward to doing more to continue to share our own version of Black Muslim love.’

Kabir, who also features in the video, adds: ‘Being part of this campaign allowed us to show our own version of Black Muslim love, which should help people to see that their are different ways to live together in love.

‘Hopefully it will help younger or unmarried people to have an insight into the intricacies of Black love and marriage. We hope that we can continue to showcase our story.’ 

The founder and CEO of muzmatch Shahzad Younas says: ‘As Muslims, our faith has taught us that we are equal in the eyes of God and this is what we at muzmatch strongly stand for.

‘This campaign is so important to us. We have been helping single Muslims find love for 10 years now and we always strive to use our sizable platform to empower the different communities we serve.

Black History Month is a perfect opportunity to partner with The Black Muslim Girl and celebrate Black Muslim love, sharing the beautiful and moving love stories captured in our documentary we premiered at our launch event.’

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

MORE : Miss England and Miss Ireland hit back at trolls after they were both racially abused following their wins

MORE : Are Black women being failed by domestic abuse services?

MORE : ‘I knew I was right to feel afraid’: People of colour are terrified amid the rise in hate crimes

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Tuesday, October 26, 2021

How many times a week should we be having sex with our partners?

sex
Sex does happen less frequently in long-term relationships. (Photo: iStockphoto)

When you’re in a long-term relationship, there will be times, inevitably, when you’re not having as much sex as you want to be – or think you should be.

Of course, we all know that going at it like bunnies is not common when you’ve been with someone for a long time – it’s not going to be the ‘honeymoon phase’ forever.

While we know this is ‘normal’, it can still be a cause for concern for many of us if we feel like we’re having less sex with our partners than we should be.

The reasons why can be due to a number of factors, including busy schedules, opposing work shifts, a lack of sexual desire and low sex drive, or, in some cases, we may not feel attracted to our partners anymore, or fin ourselves drifting apart.

While the latter is something that either requires extensive communication, trust, possibly relationship counselling, or an eventual break up, the other reasons can be addressed with certain changes to our lives, or they may be temporary changes that will resolve over time.

Sex can be hard to talk about, and there will always be the problem of comparison and the fear that everyone else, or every other couple, is having more of it than you.

The burning question is: is there a certain amount of times we should be having sex?

Ness Cooper, sex and relationships coach at The Sex Consultant, says no.

Cooper explains that having sex less often ‘isn’t always a sign of anything negative.’ She adds that studies indicate that on average, individuals are having sex once a week.

She says having sex less frequently ‘can be a sign that both you and your partner have formed not only your joint relationship identity with a routine but also you both are accepting each other’s individual identities and needs too.’

gay couple hugging
There is no magic number when it comes quantity of sex. (Photo: Getty Images)

Additionally, there is not a specific number of times a week, a month, or a year that is considered ‘healthy’ for committed partners to be having sex.

‘While there are averages on the number of times individuals have sex, they shouldn’t be used as a way to assess your relationship. There is no magic number when it comes to quantity and every relationship is different, it’s quality that’s the important factor when building further connection and intimacy,’ Cooper says.

Having sex less often in a committed relationship can also mean you’re simply comfortable in your committed relationship as you ‘share other aspects of your lives together’.

However, if you feel like it has dropped dramatically, Cooper recommends seeking advice ‘from a sex therapist or coach to help you work out the reasons why,’ or consulting ‘with a GP to see if there are any underlying health reasons’ responsible for a decrease in libido.

But, Cooper emphasises that ‘every relationship dynamic is different’ and sex may not be the main form of intimacy or pleasure in your relationship compared to your friends’ relationships.

‘Sex can be a healthy part of a relationship, but it shouldn’t be the only thing that keeps you connected and together,’ she says.

What to do if you want to have more sex with your partner

If you do want to have sex with your partner more often but find that your schedules are not accommodating those needs, Cooper has a few recommendations for you.

‘My biggest recommendation is to stop using the following line: “I don’t have enough time.”

‘While sex can take a chunk of time out of your week, we need to stop saying we don’t have enough time for intimate interactions. Scheduling time for sex can be effective for some couples, particularly if added with a date night where you connect with your partner in multiple ways.’

Additionally, sex is not always ‘orgasm focused’ and making time for ‘non-orgasm focused sex can be a good way of slowly building up passion,’ according to Cooper.

She adds: ‘Remember the amount we may want to have sex will vary day-to-day and there’s no guarantee that it will match with your partner’s sexual needs every time,’ but rather, it’s all about communicating your needs with your partner and seeing what works for your relationship – there is no one size fits all.

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

MORE : Is there a right time to move in with your partner?

MORE : Why your sex drive could be low – and what to do about it

MORE : Are ‘intensely connected’ relationships something to strive for – or is steadiness underrated?

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Saturday, October 23, 2021

What is the Strictly Come Dancing curse and are there any romances on the 2021 show?

Katya and Neil Jones, Dianne Buswell and Joe Sugg, Stacey Dooley and Kevin Clifton on Strictly
Is the Strictly curse actually real? (Picture: PA)

The arrival of Strictly Come Dancing 2021 has livened up our Saturday night tellies once again, letting viewers lose themselves in a sea of glitter, sequins and rip-roaring dances.

This year’s series is already shaping up to be one of the best yet, with some highest-ever week one scores, and some equally impressive routines in week two – but away from the dancing there has already been much discussion about a curious phenomenon on the programme – the famous Strictly curse.

Over the past 17 years that Strictly has aired on the BBC, rumours have swirled regarding potential blossoming romances between celebrity contestants and professional dancers.

While some of the rumours have been nothing but talk, others have been grounded in truth, with several couples who met on the show remaining together to do this day.

What is the Strictly Come Dancing curse?

The Strictly Come Dancing curse doesn’t simply refer to couples meeting and falling in love while competing on the show.

The supposed curse, as it is known, refers to individuals taking part in Strictly who are already in relationships, who end up finding romance with fellow participants.

Claudia Winkleman
Claudia Winkleman doesn’t believe in the Strictly curse (Picture: Tristan Fewings/Getty Images)

A couple of years ago, Strictly Come Dancing co-presenter Claudia Winkleman shared her views on the curse, telling Digital Spy: ‘I understand, it’s very intense. I don’t believe in the curse, but I think lots of people have come in single and they might have met somebody or had a little romance.’

She continued, stating: ‘It’s intoxicating, Strictly, because you’re all part of this extraordinary juggernaut. So I don’t think people fall in love with people, they might just love the experience.’

Nonetheless, that hasn’t stopped some people from getting together during filming.

Which couples has the Strictly Come Dancing curse affected?

One of the most significant cases of the Strictly curse of recent years occurred in 2018, when comedian Seann Walsh was photographed kissing his professional partner Katya Jones.

Katya was married to fellow dancer Neil Jones at the time, while Seann was in a relationship with actor Rebecca Humphries.

After the pictures emerged, Katya shared a statement on Twitter, writing: ‘I’m so sorry about any offence or hurt I may have caused with my actions.

Neil and Katya Jones
Katya and Neil split in August 2019 after 11 years together (Picture: Richard Barker/REX/Shutterstock)

‘I wasn’t thinking and it was a one-off mistake after some drinks. I love my husband and we are very happy together, this is not a reflection on our relationship.’

In August 2019, she and Neil announced their separation after 11 years together, while Seann and Rebecca split shortly after the incident.

In 2018, television presenter Stacey Dooley won the sixteenth series of Strictly Come Dancing with her partner, Kevin Clifton.

The couple confirmed they were in a relationship by April the next year. But while Stacey was competing in Strictly, she had been in a relationship with personal trainer Sam Tucknott.

Stacey has denied she and Kevin became romantically involved while taking part in the competition, stating: ‘It was much later down the line for us.’

Stacey Dooley and Kevin Clifton
Stacey and Kevin won Strictly Come Dancing together (Picture: Ian Lawrence/GC Images)

Kevin, on the other hand, was previously married to fellow Strictly Come Dancing professional dancer Karen Hauer, announcing their split in March 2018 after three years of marriage.

After ending Strictly as runners-up in 2018, Joe Sugg and Dianne Buswell got together following much speculation about the state of their relationship.

Dianne split from her boyfriend, Emmerdale actor Anthony Quinlan, while taking part in the competition.

However, the dancer previously said she doesn’t believe in the Strictly curse.

Dianne Buswell and Joe Sugg
Dianne and Joe were runners-up on Strictly when they competed together (Photo by Karwai Tang/WireImage)

‘Obviously we spend so many hours with our partner but we’re professional dancers we have done this our whole lives,’ she told Heart in October 2019.

‘It’s normal for us it doesn’t mean just because you spend so much time together you’re going to end up together.’

In November 2013, Countdown star Rachel Riley announced that she was separating from her husband Jamie Gilbert, who she met at university.

Later that year, she and her Strictly dance partner Pasha Kovalev started dating, with the couple marrying in June 2019 and welcoming their first child six months later.

Are there any romances on the 2021 Strictly series?

Kai Widdrington caught telling partner AJ Odudu on Strictly
Strictly pro, Kai Widdrington, was caught telling partner AJ Odudu ‘I love you’ after a live performance (Picture: BBC)

Romance rumours have begun swirling around members of the Strictly 2021 line-up, with presenter AJ Odudu and her partner Kai Widdrington at the centre of them.

Speculation is rife that the dance partners may be more than that after a source claimed AJ was ‘falling’ for professional dancer Kai

The rumours caught fire when Kai was caught on his microphone telling AJ: ‘I love you,’ during last Saturday’s live show. 

To get to the truth, Janette Manrara asked the couple about that moment on the spin-off series It Takes Two.

The pair seemed to set the record straight, putting the line down to simply being caught in the moment and thrill of the performance.

‘I think that was all down to just the tough, tough week that we had and the fact that we got to the end of the performance and it was flawless and you smashed it, and you did all the lifts brilliant, did all the technique perfect’ said Kai.

AJ added: ‘We were both just relieved, you were just gripping onto my neck!’ as she momentarily held onto his hand. 

Body language expert Judi James recently told us that AJ is giving off flirty signals in rehearsals with Kai – so who knows, maybe a love connection really is on the cards for the pair.

There had also been rumours around Tilly Ramsay and her dance partner Nikita Kuzmin.

Speculation began around the pair after Nicole Wirt, Nikita’s girlfriend of five years, shared a cryptic post after removing a like she had given a post about Tilly’s training.

The post was a split-screen image of a single person on one side captioned ‘the support’ and a crowd on the other labelled ‘the congratulations’ – and Nicole had written ‘don’t be fooled’ across the image, together with an emoji of a person with a finger over their lips.

Tilly has been quick to address the rumours, saying she is focusing on her dancing during her time on the show.

‘Yes I am single but I’m here to focus on dancing,’ she told new! magazine.

‘I’d have been crazy to say no to Strictly Come Dancing. It really is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and most importantly I really want to learn to dance.’

Strictly's Adam Peaty and Katya Jones almost embrace following steamy routine.
Adam and Katya’s intense performance got fans talking (Picture: BBC)

Olympic swimmer Adam Peaty has also been the subject of romance rumours with his dance partner Katya Jones.

Adam and Katya performed a passionate Argentine tango during week four, and fans were left with raised eyebrows after it looked like the pair were going in for a kiss.

Peaty has squashed all speculation and insists that it was just part of the performance, and his girlfriend, Eiri Munro, has also been light-hearted about the rumours, jokingly pretending to cry in a video shared on her TikTok account.

However, fellow contestant Sara Davies has said that the unwanted attention following the performance has started to take its toll on the Olympic gold medalist.

Speaking to MailOnline, Sara said: ‘I feel so bad for him because his personal life has been a nightmare this past week and everyone is talking about it when all he’s tried to do is give his all into dancing with Katya, which I can appreciate because that’s what I’m trying to do as well.’

Judi Love also came to Adam’s defence on Loose Women, saying ‘they’re amazing dancers, amazing performers, and that’s what I saw a performance, that was executed and held in that position for camera and for the audience.’

So it would seem the Strictly curse is never too far away from the competition.

Strictly Come Dancing continues tonight at 7.15pm on BBC One.

Got a story?

If you’ve got a celebrity story, video or pictures get in touch with the Metro.co.uk entertainment team by emailing us celebtips@metro.co.uk, calling 020 3615 2145 or by visiting our Submit Stuff page – we’d love to hear from you.

MORE : Strictly 2021: Adam Peaty ‘got so into character’ as he speaks out on dance after ‘almost-kiss’ with Katya Jones

MORE : Strictly 2021: Tom Fletcher shows he’s ripped AF as he shares excitement over spray tan

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Wednesday, October 20, 2021

The Sex Column: ‘My partner’s proposal was disappointing – should I call off the wedding?’

sex column: woman turning away from partner
‘I’m having second thoughts’ (Picture: Neil Webb)

‘I recently got engaged to my partner but I’m having second thoughts about our relationship.

His proposal was disappointing and I’ve been low ever since. He effectively said that all our friends are now married so we should be too. He also said that I’ve been dropping hints, which I was unaware of at the time but he’s right.

‘We’ve been together for five years and although we were really happy for the first few years, I now see that we have been in a rut for a while. I don’t feel desired by him in many ways.

We’re making costly wedding plans and I’m not sure what to say. What’s your advice?

You might compare weddings to the HS2 high-speed railway.

‘The more you invest in them and the longer it goes on, the harder it gets to say “stop”,’ says James McConnachie. ‘The potential fallout doesn’t just increase, it grows exponentially.’

Your engagement is recent so the pause button is still available to you.

‘That won’t be so true if you’re standing in front of the registrar,’ adds McConnachie.

It’s understandable that your partner’s reluctant proposal left you feeling unappreciated and is now illuminating the issues you have both been avoiding.

‘But the proposal is the least important part of your marriage and the wedding day is only a tiny part of it,’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin. ‘Living every day as Mr and Mrs is the difficult part.’

So if you are doubting that potential now, you are right to follow your instincts and end the relationship.

‘When you consider the global struggle by LGBT people to have equal marriage rights, do you imagine this is the kind of thing we had in mind?’ says Rupert Smith. ‘A half-baked slide into conformity with a person you resent? Marriage should be a commitment to someone you really love or at least a highly advantageous financial or dynastic arrangement. Yours is neither.’

Of course, you might just have a classic case of cold feet.

‘Do not underestimate how low their temperature goes or their chilling effect on the rest of you,’ says McConnachie. ‘Anxiety has a tendency to disguise itself as a rational response.’

But if your partner felt like you, what would you want him to do? You would want him to tell you how he feels.

‘Yes, you may have overly romantic expectations and acknowledging this is something you can work on by yourself,’ says Rudkin. ‘But if you carry on, you could be left with an unsatisfying relationship, which could potentially cost you thousands and cause masses of conflict.’

So tell him what you’ve told us.

‘Not just so he knows how you really feel,’ says McConnachie, ‘but so that you do too.’

The experts

Rupert Smith is an author and counsellor

James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)

Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist

Got a sex and dating dilemma?

To get expert advice, send your problem to lisa.scott@metro.co.uk

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How To NoFap | Everything You Need To Know (2021)

In this article, I will tell you everything you need to know about how to NoFap. In doing so, I will outline one huge life-changing advantage – and this is the ability to control your sexual urges. If you learn how to do that, you will attain rock star success in your dating life.

Covered here:

  • The benefits of NoFapping (mental and physical)
  • How to implement NoFapping in your life (and take right action)
  • How NoFap makes you more desirable (by overcoming insecurities)

Here I will go through the top 13 questions that I get asked about NoFap. You will gain a greater understanding of how to make it work for you, as well as see how your life promptly improves in all ways.


The best way to get fast results with women is by NoFapping, alongside our training courses. You can view our client testimonials on YouTube here: Attracting women courses for men:


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What is NoFap?


Fapping is another term for male masturbation. Therefore NoFap simply means that you stop masturbating for a set time.


What is the point of NoFap?


According to Mantak Chia when a man ejaculates, he gives away one-third of his daily energy. So you can imagine that if you fap too often, you are giving away your energy on a regular basis. Importantly, this energy loss stops you from using it elsewhere. In short, no fapping is essentially about retaining this sexual energy within yourself, allowing you to channel it into other areas of your life constructively.

There are supposedly many physical and mental benefits which include:

  • Clearer skin
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  • More testosterone
  • Increased mental focus

All of a sudden, your life is different; as consider how many times a day you spend thinking about chasing up women for sex? After you go past 14 days of NoFapping, you begin to see some amazing benefits, which I will go through in this article.


What is the science behind NoFap?


Around a decade ago, someone put a post online claiming that after seven days of NoFapping, their testosterone went up by 45%. Now, remember this was an unsubstantiated claim, yet it had the effect of generating massive buzz around the topic with men trying it and then posting their findings online. As a result, we now have a decade’s worth of data from men physically trying out NoFapping in their own lives and documenting the benefits they experienced.

From a biological point of view, if you are trying to mate with a member of the opposite sex, the longer it goes on, the more your body will get into action mode to try and make that happen. This is the sweet spot where this surplus energy allows for expansion into other areas of your life.

In effect, you will have:

  • More mental clarity for creative pursuits
  • Greater physical drive for attaining your goals

If you want a better understanding of sexual selection theory and the characteristics that women are generally attracted to, then take a look at my infographic below. This is taken from my how to make a woman want you sexually article worth reading if you want to know more about the evolutionary psychology aspect of attraction and how to be more desirable to women.


Three ways that make you more sexually attractive to women


What are the best tips for NoFap?


In my view, the best NoFap tip is to start with a set number of days then build up from this gradually. You say to yourself: Ok, I’ve never done this before, so I will NoFap for five days. When you get to the fifth day, then ask yourself: Can I do another two days? Perhaps I can do another three days?

You give yourself a realistic blueprint by starting with an achievable level, making it incremental, and building up from there. It means you are more likely to stick to it.

If you are single and spend a great deal of time chasing women for short-term mating or sex, following NoFap means you are less likely to do this or fall into chasing behaviours. And so, give yourself one day a week where you do not follow NoFap. This could be a Saturday or a Sunday, for example. However, for the rest of the week, you remain committed to it.

NoFap commitment

Consider how much you chase sex in your life? Think about sex? Check texts from women? Approach women? Try it on with women? All of these things that you do to try and have sex.

As you cannot engage in sex, NoFap has the effect of taking this single-minded focus away from your interactions with women that you meet in your life. This helps ensure that you do not come across as desperate or try-hard in the way you communicate. Adhering to the NoFap mindset means that you do not give up because an attractive girl wants to have sex. Instead, you remain committed to it. And this is where the magic happens:

The Man who Faps

Suppose you think about the typical single guy. Let’s say he meets an attractive woman, and there is chemistry there. The chances are that it will come down to him to try and instigate the act of sex. However, because of his overwhelming want for sex, he lacks self-discipline and indulges himself too freely.

The Man who NoFaps

Yet, what about the man that is NoFapping? Let’s take a moment to think about the following image: the guy who picks up a book and starts reading while in bed with an attractive woman. Now you may be thinking that is ridiculous. But, pause and pay attention here because this is an important lesson. That guy is never going to be short of a date. He is never going to be short of women hitting on him. Moreover, he has sex on his own terms.

Practising NoFapping takes power away externally and in its place brings an internal control: I am not going to have sex, and I will NoFap. I will not ejaculate for six or seven days.

NoFapping can simply mean no male masturbation, but for me, it should also mean not having sex with women in that period because the benefits are unbelievable. Let us now return to that guy who is lying in bed reading his book. He is in complete control of his sexual urges and, likewise, in full control of his life.

The right mindset

Indeed, by learning how to control your sexual urges, you will:

  • Come across as less desperate and try-hard to women
  • Be more confident and balanced in your outlook
  • Have attractive energy about you that people will notice

You will realise that you could not previously control your sexual urges until you committed to NoFap. And now you are simply you, controlling your desires. Furthermore, you have moved out of your comfort zone, which is where you will see real value in your life.

If you want to learn more about how to avoid falling into needy behaviours with women then read my dating advice for men article – the key points are included in the infographic below. You will find that practising these alongside NoFap will enhance all of your interactions with women.


5 ways to stop conveying neediness to women


What are the associated mental benefits of NoFap?


There is not yet enough proven evidence on this. However, from my personal experience, I find that my creativity goes up, as do my mental faculties and processing power.

I can:

  • Consume books faster
  • Speak at a higher level
  • Debate better

All these things happen because there is a build-up of sexual energy that I am channelling to serve me.

Other benefits include training harder at the gym, requiring less sleep, and having greater vitality. You will have more energy to give to your creative endeavours because a third of that energy per day that you were potentially wasting, you can now channel into serving your goals. Additionally, women will sense this vitality when they are in your presence.

For other vital avenues that you can channel excess sexual energy into, see the following infographic. Read my five spiritual laws of success with women article to learn why incorporating these laws into your life makes you a more attractive man.


Five different way to feel more relaxed and spiritual as a man


Can NoFap be used as a self-development tool?


It is incredible to use NoFap as a self-development tool. When you can control your sexual urges, you cannot help but notice the abundance of energy and focus you now have for other pursuits. Moreover, you will have a realisation over the amount of time you spent chasing women – perhaps even women who you were not all that attracted to – simply because you were too caught up in that chasing mindset of having sex.

In short, when you get into NoFapping properly, and you can control your urges, your life changes tremendously.

Supportive meditation

If your urges are out of control, I have some videos on YouTube that will help you. Type in Gary Gunn Tantra, and you will find meditative practices that I teach on how to overcome your sexual urges. Gary Gunn, How to overcome sexual desires is another. In these videos, I outline how to control normal impulses and how to control strong sexual urges. And so, if you are NoFapping and you need some support, then watch those videos.

As my infographic underneath depicts, meditation practices will help you tenfold in this area and more generally in living a more fulfilled and satisfying life. If you want to know more about how meditation can help you, read my corresponding meditation article.


7 meditative practices will make you more attractive


What are the physical benefits of NoFap?


The immediate physical benefits of NoFapping are having more testosterone and feeling more robust and more powerful. By NoFapping, you are no longer wasting a third of your daily energy.

As a result, you can channel that into feeling stronger and more mentally alert throughout your day. I am also a fan of fasting, so if you NoFap and fast, you will get double the number of benefits which is awesome.


Will I have more energy on NoFap?


I can only speak from my personal experience and from clients of mine that I have coached in NoFap. Absolutely, yes, you will have more energy because you are no longer squandering it. With this extra energy in your body, you can express yourself more. You can be far more creative and be a better conversationalist; better at everything in your life because you are not giving away and wasting vital energy. So the longer you NoFap for, the more energy you will have, and the more confidence.

Importantly, you can channel this confidence in a way that attracts women to you. As your mindset is firmly on abstinence for whatever period of NoFap you set yourself; as a result, you will feel less need to be agreeable with women in conversation.

Showing disagreement is one character trait that will stop women from friend-zoning you, as is having the confidence to break rapport in conversation. For more on this, see the infographic below. This is taken from my how to attract a woman article, which outlines why breaking rapport makes you more desirable and gives you the steps on how to do it.


3 ways to break rapport with women and attract them


Will NoFap help me deal with sexual urges?


NoFap will unquestionably help you deal with sexual urges if you commit to following it for a period of time. Commit to NoFapping for seven days. If you cannot control your sexual urges during that period, you will recognise that you need to take action towards it as it exerts too much control over your life.

As I described above, you can do meditation practices on sexual urges if you are struggling. You can also book a consultation call with me, and we can do some of these sessions together. NoFap and meditation are valuable tools that are natural ways of increasing your confidence and increasing your impact in the world. They are life-changing and will shape you into becoming a more powerful human being.

If you find that you do have issues around sex, one common cause can be a high level of toxic shame. This is an intense emotion that is triggered in specific scenarios. To learn more about toxic shame and how to clear it, I recommend reading my toxic shame article, complete with tutorial videos, as it will help you. For more immediate support, see the infographic guide here:


Simple guide to resolving toxic shame in 5 steps


How do I start NoFap?


You start NoFap by giving yourself a time limit with a deadline, and you commit to it: I will NoFap for the next seven days.

If you do not last seven days, then set a smaller target and increase it incrementally. As you get more into it, you will begin to notice the personal benefits. This will help keep you on track.


How soon till I see any benefits of NoFap?


If you are someone who regularly masturbates, then you should start to observe the mental benefits of NoFap within three days. After a week, progressing to 14 days, you will begin to notice further benefits of NoFapping.

These include having higher energy levels allowing you to train more and exist on less sleep, as well as having clearer skin. These are all benefits that I found in my life, and you can find similar results in yours.


How do I know whether I should try to NoFap or not?


For me, NoFapping is a crucial area worth examining, and if you do not get the initial results that you want, you can extend the number of days until you see the benefits in your own life.

I firmly believe that you should try any form of self-development because it is new and puts you out of your comfort zone. It is only when we are off autopilot mode that we learn, discover and develop our lives.

Having this forward-thinking mindset is what will make you stand out from the crowd and become a leader in your life, as my infographic below expresses. And so, if you haven’t tried NoFapping before, why not try it now? If you want to know more about ways to elevate your thinking further and become a more desirable man, read my article about how to attract women.


Five ways to attract women in to long-term girlfriends


How long should I NoFap for?


It is up to the individual as to how long they want to NoFap for. I believe there are healthy levels and unhealthy levels. Once you have NoFapped for a while, you will begin to see how many days you can do to attain the maximum benefits. Having this recognition will permit you to NoFap in cycles.

For example, if you are dating someone, you can perhaps do a cycle of seven days. Or, if you want to push it, you can do 14 days or even 28 days. If your girlfriend is away or you have a personal goal you want to achieve, you can NoFap in that period to give yourself more mental clarity.

Incidentally, suppose you are in a relationship and are used to having sex quite often. When you tell your partner you plan to start NoFapping, I guarantee she will instantly be more sexually into you. Therefore, if you want more sex in your relationship, outline your NoFapping plan, and watch her try and instigate sex from you. Now that you are withdrawing unbarred sex, it will propel her to try and influence you to have sex more often. You can then test how confident you are in saying no to someone you find attractive.

Right action

Notably, at this point, where you have a choice is where the magic happens. I expound this in my dating confidence courses, as it is such an important point. Your ability to say no to sex with attractive women is the biggest and most confident thing you can do as a man.

Being a man that can turn down sex with an attractive woman conveys you are in control of your life. Try it when you are NoFapping and see how invincible you feel. Accordingly, remember this choice: You can take the short term solution, which is to have sex, or you can select the massive benefits of NoFapping by saying no and feeling the power in your life.

If you would like personal support in trying NoFap, alongside wanting to become a more confident and desirable man on your terms, then we can help you. As the image below outlines, we can help you create a long term relationship by instilling the proper boundaries and outlook in your dating life. To find out how we can help, visit our live training page and book a consultation call with me.


A model next to three ways Social Attraction can help you to get a long-term girlfriend


Summary


  • NoFap means abstaining from masturbation or sex for a set period of time
  • You can channel sexual energy into attaining personal goals and creative pursuits
  • Practising NoFap makes you a more attractive man who exerts self-control