This week, Wayne Lineker, Ibizan nightclub owner and brother to crisp-lover Gary, posted a lonely-hearts appeal on his Instagram in search of a long-term girlfriend.
The post caused quite a stir, not least because of the absurdity of Wayne’s demands. Although he prefaces it with ‘my family have decided I need a girlfriend for my own health and sanity’ – so don’t blame him, OK? It’s not his fault he’s asking for a lover/doctor/therapist; his relatives made him do it.
Unfortunately, the misogyny within his requirements for a partner were as subtle and nuanced as a firework in a bottle of Grey Goose vodka, headed for the VIP section.
My own interest was piqued when I realised Wayne was looking for someone my own age.
The 58-year-old grandfather is looking for a woman over 30 (28/29 ‘could work’), but ‘not my age as that would just look weird’. Imagine seeing a man in his late fifties with a woman too old to be his biological daughter. Outrageous.
Let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that men like Lineker feel more comfortable with young women only for their youthful looks. With youth comes innocence, naivety and a higher tolerance for bullshit than a middle-aged woman would likely put up with. Twenty-somethings are often far more submissive and easier to control, hence Wayne’s dictat: ‘No chick flicks watch them with your mates’. (Or should that be d**k-tat?)
What’s more, in a society where women with grey hair are seen as sexless cadavers, while silvering men are treated as gods, it’s no wonder Wayne thinks he deserves a literal younger model.
I don’t doubt that relationships with large age differences can work, but I will never cease to find society’s celebration and encouragement of senior men dating young women creepy.
I’d never judge a woman for wanting to settle down with a more ‘mature’ male as I know what a nightmare it is to find emotionally and financially stable men in the 30-something dating pool. But I also question why older men who date women their own age are deemed ‘weird’ not only in Wayne’s world, but in our world too.
When Keanu Reeves, 56, and his partner Alexandra Grant, 47, walked the red carpet for the first time as a couple, the mainstream media were shocked that a Hollywood man would hold hands with an ‘age-appropriate’ partner.
The feminist world’s exuberance soon turned to mourning, as we realised how low the bar really is.
There are also sprinkles of virtue-signalling, ‘good boy’ tropes within the body of the text. Wayne insists, for instance, that he is seeking a ‘strong nice personality’ and that his future partner ‘accept and love [his] children and grandchildren’, although one would hope that Lineker would offer the same love and respect for someone else’s daughter whom he hopes to date.
This is all undone the moment he asks that his new love must like ‘older men’ – but only him. He’s not looking for a girlfriend, he’s looking for an escort.
‘You must… have body definition as I will soon have’ made me laugh/wretch hard enough to give me abs. At best, this is an attempt at self-deprecating humour; at worst, it’s the worst thing I’ve ever read.
And while Wayne musters a shout-out for his children later-on in his post, he refers to them lovingly as ‘baggage’. Don’t worry ladies, his kids are ‘all grown up’ now so won’t get in the way of your romance. He does, however, have a son who has only just started sixth form, but I presume a former applicant is looking after him.
This is all ‘fun and games’, of course. But like any man who thinks a wolf-whistle is a compliment, Wayne Lineker labels his behaviour as ‘tongue in cheek banter’ and anyone who criticises his post just simply doesn’t get the ‘joke’.
Well, if you can’t take the heat then get out of the kitchen, because that’s exactly where Wayne wants his future missus to be – ideally preparing ‘Waitrose ready made meals’. How often do we witness blatant sexism and the fetishisation of youth, as thinly veiled comedy?
While Wayne’s post doesn’t necessarily set the feminist movement back, it exists as a reminder that men still need to be schooled. Judging by the response on social media, he may have got the message.
In my eyes, men who rely on excessive displays of wealth and status for the pursuit of sex are less silver-fox, more albino peacock. In another Instagram video on his page, filmed in July, Wayne struts up and down a line of young women stood quivering on the edge of a swimming pool, and examines them.
‘Last doll standing gets a date with me’ reads the caption, which speaks volumes of his opinion that these women are objects ripe for the picking. Like Henry the Eighth in a Ben Sherman shirt, he chooses his favourite among the six women, pushing each reject backwards into the water, until only one is left standing: his queen (for the evening).
By insisting his girlfriend give up her career and allow him to ‘purchase items online’ for her, presumably Wayne envisions a future where his partner needn’t pay a penny for her existence.
In clubland culture, this is commonplace for women who are often given free entry and drinks with the unspoken expectation that they attract rich male clientele.
On the surface, this might seem like a sweet deal, but be warned: if you’re not paying, you’re the product.
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