The thing about cockroaches is that if you find one in your home, there are likely to be more.
That’s an unsettling tidbit, we know.
It’s also the inspiration for the catchy new name for a dating trend that’s been around for ages.
Roaching describes the act of secretly dating and sleeping with multiple people.
So in the same way you feel that immense sense of dread when you discover more cockroaches than originally thought, if you’re being roached, you might soon realise that you’re not the only person being wooed.
The term was coined by AskMen, and matchmarker Susan Trombetti explains it ‘comes from the ickiness of seeing one of these nasty little bugs but knowing when you turn the lights on, there are lots of them’.
Of course, if you haven’t had the ‘exclusive’ chat, both you and your date are well within your rights to date other people.
The gross bit of roaching is the secrecy. A roacher won’t be open about what they’re up to, leaving you feeling like a bit of an idiot when you realise you’re not the only person they’re romancing.
So, what are some signs that you’re being roached? And what can you do about it?
Signs of roaching
There are some signs that the person you’re dating is seeing other people behind your back:
- They pull random disappearing acts, where they won’t be contactable for hours/days and then will pop back up like nothing happened
- They’ll cancel plans with lame excuses
- They’re hardly ever available
- They post photos of nights out that you have no idea about
- They don’t put in the effort to make plans
- They’ll half-commit to a date, but won’t confirm or cancel until the last minute
- They don’t want to talk about exclusivity or a relationship
- They keep you at arm’s length
- They’re guilty of stashing – so haven’t introduced you to anyone in their life
You should also keep an eye out for more subtle indicators that someone is being dishonest.
‘Look for giveaway body language that they’re telling lies or avoiding telling the whole truth,’ senior therapist Sally Baker tells Metro.co.uk. ‘Most people are uncomfortable telling lies so they will subconsciously give clues either verbally or physically that they’re not being transparent or completely honest.
‘Be observant. Listen to what’s said and how they say it.
‘Over-explaining is as much a give away as stumbling over their words or speaking quickly that they’re trying to create a smokescreen with the truth hidden somewhere underneath.’
What to do if you’re being roached
The fact of the matter is that if you’re not in an official relationship, the person you’re dating is free to see whoever they like – and the same goes for you.
‘Early stage dating has an expectation that both parties are free agents who might be mutually seeing other people,’ explains Sally. ‘In the pre exclusive phase it’s also usual not to feel obliged to explain ones multiple involvement with other people.’
An issue arises, however, if the person is saying one thing and doing another. They’ll declare they’re not dating anyone else when they’ve got a whole batch of other options, for example.
It’s also important that if someone is sleeping with other people, you’re looking after your sexual health – ‘when you’re unsure about whether your partner is exclusive or not the risk of contracting STDs is greater,’ says Sally, ‘so it’s important to use a barrier method of contraception whatever other birth control you use.’
You might decide that dishonesty is a dealbreaker. If that’s the case, and someone has straight-up lied about their romantic activity, cutting things off might be the right call.
Or, you might realise that actually, you’re not too bothered by this person seeing other people. In that case, you can go ahead and enjoy the ride.
Then there’s a third option; which is that their roaching makes you realise you want to be exclusive.
How do you have the exclusivity chat?
Don’t rush into it – or force the ‘let’s be exclusive’ talk out of fear, jealousy, or uncertainty.
If someone is making you feel rubbish through confusion, manipulation, or a lack of reliability, don’t think of going exclusive as a magical fix.
Get to know each other, let things progress, and then bring up going exclusive when you’re ready to make more of a commitment.
Sally says: ‘As your connection with each other grows and you’re spending more time together the shall “we be exclusive” conversation will become more of an imperative and one you or both of you will want clarity on where you stand.
‘If you feel yourself falling for your partner and make it clear you want to make your relationship official by being exclusive you need them to be on the same page.
‘It’s not worth asking for exclusivity if one of you is still maintaining a secret social life that excludes you.
‘If you’ve met their mates; feature in their social media posts; stayed over their place and spent several consecutive weekends together you’re on firmer ground with clear indications your relationship is ready to go to the next level.’
Dating terms and trends, defined
Blue-stalling: When two people are dating and acting like a couple, but one person in the partnership states they're unready for any sort of label or commitment (despite acting in a different manner).
Breadcrumbing: Leaving ‘breadcrumbs’ of interest – random noncommittal messages and notifications that seem to lead on forever, but don’t actually end up taking you anywhere worthwhile Breadcrumbing is all about piquing someone’s interest without the payoff of a date or a relationship.
Caspering: Being a friendly ghost - meaning yes, you ghost, but you offer an explanation beforehand. Caspering is all about being a nice human being with common decency. A novel idea.
Catfish: Someone who uses a fake identity to lure dates online.
Clearing: Clearing season happens in January. It’s when we’re so miserable thanks to Christmas being over, the cold weather, and general seasonal dreariness, that we will hook up with anyone just so we don’t feel completely unattractive. You might bang an ex, or give that creepy guy who you don’t really fancy a chance, or put up with truly awful sex just so you can feel human touch. It’s a tough time. Stay strong.
Cloutlighting: Cloutlighting is the combo of gaslighting and chasing social media clout. Someone will bait the person they’re dating on camera with the intention of getting them upset or angry, or making them look stupid, then share the video for everyone to laugh at.
Cockfishing: Also known as catcocking. When someone sending dick pics uses photo editing software or other methods to change the look of their penis, usually making it look bigger than it really is.
Cuffing season: The chilly autumn and winter months when you are struck by a desire to be coupled up, or cuffed.
Firedooring: Being firedoored is when the access is entirely on one side, so you're always waiting for them to call or text and your efforts are shot down.
Fishing: When someone will send out messages to a bunch of people to see who’d be interested in hooking up, wait to see who responds, then take their pick of who they want to get with. It’s called fishing because the fisher loads up on bait, waits for one fish to bite, then ignores all the others.
Flashpanner: Someone who’s addicted to that warm, fuzzy, and exciting start bit of a relationship, but can’t handle the hard bits that might come after – such as having to make a firm commitment, or meeting their parents, or posting an Instagram photo with them captioned as ‘this one’.
Freckling: Freckling is when someone pops into your dating life when the weather’s nice… and then vanishes once it’s a little chillier.
Gatsbying: To post a video, picture or selfie to public social media purely for a love interest to see it.
Ghosting: Cutting off all communication without explanation.
Grande-ing: Being grateful, rather than resentful, for your exes, just like Ariana Grande.
Hatfishing: When someone who looks better when wearing a hat has pics on their dating profile that exclusively show them wearing hats.
Kittenfishing: Using images that are of you, but are flattering to a point that it might be deceptive. So using really old or heavily edited photos, for example. Kittenfishes can also wildly exaggerate their height, age, interests, or accomplishments.
Lovebombing: Showering someone with attention, gifts, gestures of affection, and promises for your future relationship, only to distract them from your not-so-great bits. In extreme cases this can form the basis for an abusive relationship.
Microcheating: Cheating without physically crossing the line. So stuff like emotional cheating, sexting, confiding in someone other than your partner, that sort of thing.
Mountaineering: Reaching for people who might be out of your league, or reaching for the absolute top of the mountain.
Obligaswiping: The act of endlessly swiping on dating apps and flirt-chatting away with no legitimate intention of meeting up, so you can tell yourself you're doing *something* to put yourself out there.
Orbiting: The act of watching someone's Instagram stories or liking their tweets or generally staying in their 'orbit' after a breakup.
Paperclipping: When someone sporadically pops up to remind you of their existence, to prevent you from ever fully moving on.
Preating: Pre-cheating - laying the groundwork and putting out feelers for cheating, by sending flirty messages or getting closer to a work crush.
Prowling: Going hot and cold when it comes to expressing romantic interest.
R-bombing: Not responding to your messages but reading them all, so you see the 'delivered' and 'read' signs and feel like throwing your phone across the room.
Scroogeing: Dumping someone right before Christmas so you don't have to buy them a present.
Shadowing: Posing with a hot friend in all your dating app photos, knowing people will assume you're the attractive one and will be too polite to ask.
Shaveducking: Feeling deeply confused over whether you're really attracted to a person or if they just have great facial hair.
Sneating:When you go on dates just for a free meal.
Stashing: The act of hiding someone you're dating from your friends, family, and social media.
Submarineing: When someone ghosts, then suddenly returns and acts like nothing happened.
V-lationshipping:When someone you used to date reappears just around Valentine's Day, usually out of loneliness and desperation.
You-turning: Falling head over heels for someone, only to suddenly change your mind and dip.
Zombieing: Ghosting then returning from the dead. Different from submarineing because at least a zombie will acknowledge their distance.
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Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
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