Ben Affleck resting his hand on Jennifer Lopez’s bum on the deck of a vast luxury yacht. Forget Love Island — it’s not new love that’s all the rage but reboot relationships.
The Bennifer revival — singer Lopez, 52, and actor Affleck, 48, first got together in 2002, called off their wedding in 2003 and split the following year but are now back on board (literally) — has been dubbed Hot Ex Summer on social media.
It’s given everyone hope that the answer to loneliness and lockdown lies not in future partners but in past loves.
‘I totally get the hype when it comes to old flames reuniting,’ says Sophie, 32. ‘But then again, I did marry my ex after ten years apart. People change — and sometimes for the better, in fact. We weren’t ready to commit in our twenties but I’m so glad I’m getting this grounded version of him. I’ve grown up a lot since then too. What irritated us both so much over a decade ago is no longer an issue. But truth be told, neither of us found anyone we liked more over the years apart.’
But just why are we so in thrall to tales of exes, lost loves, the one that got away?
‘We love the idea that true love finds a way,’ says psychologist and mental health and wellness expert Dr Audrey Tang.
‘This is the playbook of romcoms and fairy tales — couple meet and are attracted, circumstance keeps or tears them apart, their feelings overcome all obstacles. Ben and J-Lo gives us a sense of “if they can make it, so can we”.
’Seeing a rekindling of a relationship gives us a sense of closure — a feeling of “their story is complete”. We don’t think beyond happy ever after until the next media story.’
The main thing we feel when we see exes getting back together is hope, particularly in a time of loneliness, boredom and anxiety. People also seem to be baying for ‘happily ever after’.
We want to see something built to last, conquering all, lifting us up where we belong or just, you know, working — especially after a year of malfunctions, false starts, disappointments, illness, familial tension and no holidays to speak of.
The pandemic sent people mewling back to their exes — the devil we know seemed a much better option than the lonely, locked-down present and an uncertain future.
‘There is a beauty in nostalgia,’ says Tang, author of The Leaders Guide To Resilience. ‘Nostalgia is not living in the past but rather reflecting on it with a sense of affection. It can generate feelings of warmth and comfort, and that’s generally a very good thing.
‘The world has been uncontrollable these past 18 months and right now we are seeking things we can rely on. Perhaps an ex gives us a sense of security, especially if we are only thinking about the times that made us smile. Nostalgia can work as a defence mechanism that protects us against fear or sadness.’
Sometimes, however, things aren’t meant to be.
‘I did try to get back with my ex because I was lonely during lockdown,’ says Amy, 29. ‘I found myself thinking back to all the good times we’d had. He was on his own too and we both thought, “Life is too short. Maybe we can make this work.” When we finally met up I realised he was still an arse and I needed to address my lack of self-worth.’
Is it always a good idea to give a broken past romance another go? No, warns Tang, who is clear that a rekindling attempted out of jealousy or boredom is never going to work — and is usually very transparent.
Tang offers a list of things to consider, including ‘what broke you up and has that changed?’ She says: ‘Ask yourself: “What will be different this time?”’
Tang advises putting your values and needs first.
‘Recognise your own changes and work on your own self-worth so that you know relationships are a bonus, not a completion — you are not empty without one,’ she says. ‘If you both have changed and are in a healthier life space for that relationship and recognise the break-up was situational, then it’s like starting a new relationship which has a sense of familiarity.’
Whether Bennifer work out remains to be seen — but there’s no better ending than a Happy Ever After (second time around).
Five things you should ask yourself before messaging your ex
According to Dr Audrey Tang, you need to carefully consider these questions before attempting to rekindle a romance
- Am I doing this because of greed, speed, laziness or haziness?
- What broke us up in the first place — and has this now changed?
- What will be different in our relationship this time around?
- Can I be clear about what I need now — and do I know my own worth?
- What will I do if my ex is not actually open to those needs?
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
MORE : 13 questions you need to ask before you get back together with an ex
MORE : The Sex Column: ‘People don’t approve of me dating a man who’s 18 years older than me’
Rush Hour Crush - love (well, lust) is all around us
Visit Metro's Rush Hour Crush online every weekday at 4:30pm.
Tell us about your Rush Hour Crush by submitting them here, and you could see your message published on the site.
How to get your Metro newspaper fix
Metro newspaper is still available for you to pick up every weekday morning or you can download our app for all your favourite news, features, puzzles... and the exclusive evening edition!
Download the Metro newspaper app for free on App Store and Google Play
No comments:
Post a Comment