The world of dating is, to put it gently, a chaotic wreck that’s on fire.
It’s brutal out here, and it seems like every week there’s a new method – or a trendy name for said method, at least – of making you miserable.
Forming romantic relationships is complicated these days. There are confusing stages – from the talking stage, to seeing each other, to making things exclusive, to being boyfriend and girlfriend – and it seems that total faithfulness and clarity might be too lofty an expectation.
An example of this: the trend for backburner relationships.
These are relationships that aren’t really relationships. When you’re on the backburner, you’re like a pot of food kept warm, but not bubbling. A person keeping you on a backburner won’t commit to anything, or even necessarily show proper romantic interest.
Instead, they’ll maintain contact – no matter how sporadic – in an attempt to keep you around longer-term, all in case they one day decide they want to date you.
Obviously, it feels sh*t to be on the backburner.
But backburner relationships often have another, less obvious victim. In many cases, the person maintaining a backburner relationship (or multiple) is in an actual, official, exclusive relationship with a partner.
In these cases, someone who is in a relationship won’t be dating around or doing anything that’s explicitly sexual, but they are keeping people in their lives on the off-chance that their main relationship doesn’t work out.
In a survey of people in committed relationships, 56% admitted to still having people on backburner.
You might also know this act as benching, or use some sort of planting and watering seeds metaphor.
‘Maintaining a backburner relationship is a way to hedge your bets and is an attempt to protect yourself from future disappointment by not fully committing to your key relationship,’ senior therapist Sally Baker tells Metro.co.uk.
How can you tell if your partner might have some other people on backburner? And what can you do if you confirm that they’ve got a load of pans simmering away? Let’s explore it.
Signs that your partner has backburner relationships
‘Some of the giveaway signs a partner is retaining backburner relationships are when someone tries to be vague about their relationship status or is unpredictable or vague in their attitude to you,’ says Sally. ‘People with nothing to hide communicate with greater clarity and don’t need to obfuscate or conceal their feelings.
‘You might have picked up their ambivalence towards you and be trying to deny or ignore telltale signs. There’s a part of you that already realises that things are not straightforward.’
Signs of backburner relationships can be super subtle, because often the backburning person will ensure they never cross the line into outright, obvious wrongdoing.
You might spot some of these hints that your partner could have a backburner relationship:
- They’re still in touch with exes and people they’ve previously dated
- They’ll say they’re just being ‘nice’ or ‘friendly’ if you ask about them chatting with loose acquaintances
- You spot them liking and commenting on the photos of people you know nothing about and have never met
- They have ‘friends’ that they never really talk about and that you never get to meet
- Their friends sometimes make jokes about your partner talking with, fancying, or one day ending up with someone else
- They have loads of text, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, Whatsapp chats going at all times
- Their social diary seems to be jam-packed, and you’re often not entirely clear on what’s happening at all these outings
- They’ll say they’re just the ‘flirty type’
- The minute you’re busy or not available, they’ll go right to the same person/people as their backup option
Is having backburner relationships a type of cheating?
While maintaining those backburner bonds might not technically be cheating, it’s definitely rubbish behaviour.
It sends a clear message: you’re not worthy of full, proper commitment.
‘At best maintaining a backburner relationship is dishonest,’ says Sally. ‘It is a strategy to emotionally hold yourself back from full commitment in case you get hurt and let down. It’s a self-deference strategy that can backfire on yourself. Communicating and expending emotional energy or someone else in secret is dishonest and it can make you cheat yourself out of the opportunity of a committed relationship.
‘It is a strategy most likely doomed to failure.’
While you might try to justify backburner relationships because you’re not getting physical with someone who’s not your partner, it’s important to think about just how much hurt your actions could cause if you were found out.
If your partner could hear what you were saying to the person on backburner, would they be crushed? If so, you’re probably doing something wrong.
What should you do if your partner is maintaining backburner relationships?
If you’re in the early stages of dating, it makes sense that someone might keep their options open.
But once you’re talking about committing, those backburner relationships need to be completely taken off the heat.
That doesn’t mean that genuine friendships have to be ended or communication with certain people is banned – but that interactions that are purely for the purpose of potential dating need to come to an end. Plus, there needs to be genuine openness and honesty about these relationships.
If you suspect your partner has backburner relationships, you need to talk about it. If they’re genuinely invested in you, they shouldn’t have an issue stopping their actions or changing behaviour that makes you feel disrespected.
If they’re reluctant or refuse to chat about the truth of these backburners, that’s a massive warning sign that they’re just not ready for a committed relationship.
‘If you’re going exclusive it’s time to clear your slate,’ Sally says. ‘Come off the dating sites and be with the person you have chosen.
‘Any reticence or reluctance to do that is a sign you’re not ready to be one to one. It’s fine not to be ready.
‘Complications happen when someone is keeping secrets or not being honest about their status and that’s a huge red flag.
‘If you have to ask them [to stop] they’re simply not ready. Have a mutually open, non-judgemental conversation about who else both of you have on the back burner and what you want to do about the people waiting on the sidelines.
‘Don’t force the issue or make ultimatums. Listen and don’t whitewash how you feel or how they feel. Acknowledge where both are emotionally and decide to move forward together or not.
‘They’re either on the same page as you, or not, but it’s always best to have a realistic appraisal of where everyone is rather than guessing or assuming.’
Dating terms and trends, defined
Blue-stalling: When two people are dating and acting like a couple, but one person in the partnership states they're unready for any sort of label or commitment (despite acting in a different manner).
Breadcrumbing: Leaving ‘breadcrumbs’ of interest – random noncommittal messages and notifications that seem to lead on forever, but don’t actually end up taking you anywhere worthwhile Breadcrumbing is all about piquing someone’s interest without the payoff of a date or a relationship.
Caspering: Being a friendly ghost - meaning yes, you ghost, but you offer an explanation beforehand. Caspering is all about being a nice human being with common decency. A novel idea.
Catfish: Someone who uses a fake identity to lure dates online.
Clearing: Clearing season happens in January. It’s when we’re so miserable thanks to Christmas being over, the cold weather, and general seasonal dreariness, that we will hook up with anyone just so we don’t feel completely unattractive. You might bang an ex, or give that creepy guy who you don’t really fancy a chance, or put up with truly awful sex just so you can feel human touch. It’s a tough time. Stay strong.
Cloutlighting: Cloutlighting is the combo of gaslighting and chasing social media clout. Someone will bait the person they’re dating on camera with the intention of getting them upset or angry, or making them look stupid, then share the video for everyone to laugh at.
Cockfishing: Also known as catcocking. When someone sending dick pics uses photo editing software or other methods to change the look of their penis, usually making it look bigger than it really is.
Cuffing season: The chilly autumn and winter months when you are struck by a desire to be coupled up, or cuffed.
Firedooring: Being firedoored is when the access is entirely on one side, so you're always waiting for them to call or text and your efforts are shot down.
Fishing: When someone will send out messages to a bunch of people to see who’d be interested in hooking up, wait to see who responds, then take their pick of who they want to get with. It’s called fishing because the fisher loads up on bait, waits for one fish to bite, then ignores all the others.
Flashpanner: Someone who’s addicted to that warm, fuzzy, and exciting start bit of a relationship, but can’t handle the hard bits that might come after – such as having to make a firm commitment, or meeting their parents, or posting an Instagram photo with them captioned as ‘this one’.
Freckling: Freckling is when someone pops into your dating life when the weather’s nice… and then vanishes once it’s a little chillier.
Gatsbying: To post a video, picture or selfie to public social media purely for a love interest to see it.
Ghosting: Cutting off all communication without explanation.
Grande-ing: Being grateful, rather than resentful, for your exes, just like Ariana Grande.
Hatfishing: When someone who looks better when wearing a hat has pics on their dating profile that exclusively show them wearing hats.
Kittenfishing: Using images that are of you, but are flattering to a point that it might be deceptive. So using really old or heavily edited photos, for example. Kittenfishes can also wildly exaggerate their height, age, interests, or accomplishments.
Lovebombing: Showering someone with attention, gifts, gestures of affection, and promises for your future relationship, only to distract them from your not-so-great bits. In extreme cases this can form the basis for an abusive relationship.
Microcheating: Cheating without physically crossing the line. So stuff like emotional cheating, sexting, confiding in someone other than your partner, that sort of thing.
Mountaineering: Reaching for people who might be out of your league, or reaching for the absolute top of the mountain.
Obligaswiping: The act of endlessly swiping on dating apps and flirt-chatting away with no legitimate intention of meeting up, so you can tell yourself you're doing *something* to put yourself out there.
Orbiting: The act of watching someone's Instagram stories or liking their tweets or generally staying in their 'orbit' after a breakup.
Paperclipping: When someone sporadically pops up to remind you of their existence, to prevent you from ever fully moving on.
Preating: Pre-cheating - laying the groundwork and putting out feelers for cheating, by sending flirty messages or getting closer to a work crush.
Prowling: Going hot and cold when it comes to expressing romantic interest.
R-bombing: Not responding to your messages but reading them all, so you see the 'delivered' and 'read' signs and feel like throwing your phone across the room.
Scroogeing: Dumping someone right before Christmas so you don't have to buy them a present.
Shadowing: Posing with a hot friend in all your dating app photos, knowing people will assume you're the attractive one and will be too polite to ask.
Shaveducking: Feeling deeply confused over whether you're really attracted to a person or if they just have great facial hair.
Sneating:When you go on dates just for a free meal.
Stashing: The act of hiding someone you're dating from your friends, family, and social media.
Submarineing: When someone ghosts, then suddenly returns and acts like nothing happened.
V-lationshipping:When someone you used to date reappears just around Valentine's Day, usually out of loneliness and desperation.
You-turning: Falling head over heels for someone, only to suddenly change your mind and dip.
Zombieing: Ghosting then returning from the dead. Different from submarineing because at least a zombie will acknowledge their distance.
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
MORE : Roaching is yet another bleak dating trend – here are the signs you’re being roached
MORE : Woman fed up of small talk creates time-saving dating hack
MORE : Signs you’re in a one-sided relationship – and what to do about it
Rush Hour Crush - love (well, lust) is all around us
Visit Metro's Rush Hour Crush online every weekday at 4:30pm.
Tell us about your Rush Hour Crush by submitting them here, and you could see your message published on the site.
No comments:
Post a Comment